Why Moving On Isn’t What Most People Think Is?

Introduction

Imagine you’ve lived in a house for years. You get used to the way it smells, the coziness of the couch and you love how bright it looks during the afternoon. For some reason, you’ve got to move out after a while. You spend weeks packing your stuff up and taking all your belongings. One day, you close the door for the last time and start walking away. Physically you’re not there anymore, you’re miles away.But weeks later, you still find yourself reaching for the old light switches in your hallway. You still occasionally smell the food from your old kitchen when there’s no food.

Heartbreak works in the same way.

A breakup is much more than just losing your favourite person. It’s about losing the version of you that existed just with them. It’s about moving on from all the emotions, memories, identities and routines you experienced with them. It’s about losing the person who was “default” in your life and making peace with the fact that your future might look a lot different than the one that you imagined. The way we navigate this breakup is not just about how the other person treats us, but also by our own beliefs about relationships, ourselves and others.

This is why moving on is so much harder than expected. You’re not just expecting your brain to forget a person. You’re basically teaching your mind that the emotional home that you loved isn’t where you live anymore.

And unlike physically moving out, there is no “one day” when it all happens. Healing takes time and doesn’t always look linear. It can mean you didn’t think of your partner less often in a day than you usually do. It can also look like you can finally watch the genre of movies that you watched with your partner without crying.

There’s hundreds of articles on the internet telling you how to move on after a break up and how to get over someone. In a world full of advice that looks like “just get over it” “it’s not a big deal” “forget they ever existed”, we rarely talk about why does our brain keep replaying the same conversations after months and why do ordinary places suddenly feel so unbearable? This article isn’t about quick fixes or generic advice about how to move on after a breakup. We aim to look at why breakups are so hard to deal with in the first place. Secondly, we’ll be talking about certain ways to cope with a break up which are backed by psychology and therefore this will differentiate the blog from the thousands of breakup articles that simply focus on advice giving.

Why Do Breakups Feel Like Withdrawal Instead Of Sadness?

A lot of articles talk about why breakups are hard, but nobody really understands the science behind it. The reason people keep opening their old chats with their exes to check their last seen or stalk them using a different account isn’t because they are weak. It’s because the breakup has not just affected them emotionally, but it has affected some of their brain mechanisms. Dopamine is a feel good chemical which is involved in anticipation. This includes expecting something which is supposed to be rewarding and is supposed to make you feel “good”. When you’re in a relationship, you often anticipate and keep waiting for their spontaneous texts, date nights, inside jokes and trips with them. Over time, your brain gets used to waiting for a positive reward and more often than it, when you share memorable experiences with your partner, the reward loop is complete. After a breakup, those rewards suddenly disappear. The feeling of anticipation is not gone because your brain is so used to the familiarity of expectations being met by reward, but unfortunately, you never get the reward. This is why you may keep reaching for your phone to expect a text from them, knowing very well that the possibility of them actually texting you is very low. This phase is often followed by feelings of emptiness and withdrawal which keeps you thinking about moments that you shared with your partner.

10 Ways You Can Move On After A Painful Breakup

Before we move on to explore various ways to cope with the loss of a relationship, it’s important to note that not every breakup looks the same. Ghosting, situationship, trauma bonds, long distance breakups or ending a relationship because of life circumstances-all of them uniquely create a different kind of grief. People are also unique individuals who might have different ways of coping depending on their needs, expectations, emotional attachments to their ex partners and the length of their relationship. However, there are a few things to keep in mind that can help you take a step in the direction of healing. Let us have a look at what they are-

1. Stop Treating Every Memory Like EvidenceHeartbreak makes every moment feel emotionally charged and memorable. For some people, the loss is so deep and personal that they often think about every memory with their partner as a positive one even though the reality might be very different in the moment. Our brains have a tendency to focus selectively on the information that has a positive memory associated with a person who isn’t in our life anymore. It looks like you are only able to look at the positive highlights of the relationship while ignoring the fights, the miscommunications and the hurt. These memories may even make you question whether you did the right thing by breaking up. It is that moment in which you have to not let your brain fool you and realistically think about those shared moments without putting on a rose-coloured glass filter.
2. Rebuild Your Identity Before Replacing The RelationshipRelationships often seep into other aspects of our life without even us being aware about it. This could look like shared interests, hobbies, routines, goals,same destination trips etc. While we may not have the person in our lives anymore, our brains will take some time to slowly change or remove the parts of us that shared moments with any significant other. This doesn’t mean that you need to get rid of all hobbies that you took part in with them. But more often than not, all of us want to fill the empty void by finding something new, and sometimes someone new. We do this impulsively without giving ourselves the time to heal or even process the breakup. And because we haven’t done that, the same pattern is likely to repeat for the next relationship. Thus, give yourself time to explore the unexplored and hidden parts of your after your breakup, because at the end of it, there is no rush.
3. Don’t Rush To Feel BetterTrying to suppress emotions might only make us feel worse. Emotions are designed to move us through, not be eliminated on demand. Allow yourself the experience of feeling difficult emotions, without being in a rush to fix it. It might be uncomfortable yes, but the only way to make it past is to see it through.
4. Remove The Tiny RemindersSure, the grand gestures or the most memorable experiences do remind us of our past relationships. But on a daily basis, it’s the smaller things that we hadn’t even thought of that really remind us of our past. These can look like the spotify playlist, the shared netflix account or even the saved address in our food delivery apps. These may not mean a lot but every time we come across them, it triggers our brain which can lead to an entire spiral of overthinking and grief all over again. So, it’s best to remove or avoid as many mico-triggers of grief as possible to prevent your brain from re-opening any emotional wounds.
5. Ask What You’re Really MissingSometimes, more than missing the person, it’s about missing the version of you that you were with them. Or sometimes, it’s only about the fact that you miss the people you hung out with when you were with them but can’t do that now. If your partner has ever been a company for you to try out newer things that you would never have thought of trying or going for if not for them, then it’s clear what you really long for. So, go for that movie alone, or take a friend if you have to. Don’t hesitate to try out the cuisine that you’ve always wanted to, don’t stop yourself from becoming the version that you were all along but somehow lost it along the way.
6. Study Patterns, Not Just The EndingOur brains usually have a tendency to focus on the most recent thing we experienced. In case of breakups,it can look like thinking about the very last conversation you had with your partner over and over again. Instead of replaying the last argument or final text, reflect on recurring relationship dynamics. Understanding patterns teaches more than endlessly analysing one painful conversation
7. Choose Stability Over HappinessYou might often feel like you were happier when you were with your partner. During moments like these, ask yourself what happiness really looks like for you. Instead of overgeneralizing, realistically analyse whether you were happy 24/7 when you were with them or is that how your brain has interpreted it as. Don’t go chasing after the same happiness, because your definition of feeling happy might look different now.Your nervous system craves predictability after disruption. Small routines like morning walks, weekly coffee dates or consistent bedtime rituals help restore a sense of safety long before joy naturally returns.
8. Let The Story Become SmallerWe usually tend to look at our past as being the most important time of our lives, especially when there is no possibility for that time to return again. At some level, your relationship is always going to be something that is meaningful to you. Healing or moving on doesn’t mean you erase that part of your life or forget how important that person once was to you. It simply allows the story of your relationship to become one chapter in a large book instead of becoming the whole book.
9. Don’t Perform Your HealingShowing off to others who may constantly try to pity you that you have indeed moved on is often an attempt to look better rather than actually feel better. A “post breakup glow” may look impressive online, but isn’t doing anything to actually help you cope. Genuine healing is often like a rollercoaster-there are ups and downs but more often than not-it’s private. Because ultimately, progress isn’t about how convincing your happiness is to others.
10. Replace Certainty With CuriosityInstead of obsessing over whether they’re ever going to return or who you will love next, ask yourself “What version of me could exist in the next six months?” I understand that suddenly living a life where you don’t know what is planned ahead of you when you actually thought that your ex was going to be the one for you is hard. But, healing isn’t meant to be easier. Sometimes it’s about forcing yourself to remain okay with the possibility of not knowing, again and again.

Conclusion

Moving on is rarely about waking up one day and realizing that you forgot about the other person entirely. More often it’s about noticing that your life has slowly become fuller than expected. It’s about slowly but eventually rebuilding a life again where the only way you remember your relationship is as a memorable and learning experience. However, doing all the above mentioned things again and again on a daily basis is not easy, especially when you’re doing it alone. Someday, when you’re in the middle of a spiral, no amount of self re-assurance is going to help you think positively. In those moments, Healo is going to be beside you. It’ll help you reflect on your own thoughts, ask better questions and help you regain a realistic sense of the world. If you don’t want to be on this healing journey all on your own, Talk to Healo Now